When People Don’t Say “Please,” Does It Mean They’re Rude?

I recently read Laura Hall’s piece on BBC Travel, “Why is there no word for please in the Nordic languages?”, and it stayed with me. It touches something I think about a lot in intercultural communication: how quickly we judge other people’s behaviour by our own expectations.

Imagine you walk into a bakery and order a coffee. The person in front of you asks for theirs without anything that sounds like “please.” The request comes out direct. Maybe even a little abrupt.

Be honest: what would cross your mind?

Depending on what you’re used to, you might read it as rude, impolite, or simply inconsiderate. But what if it isn’t a lack of politeness, just a different way of showing it?

In her article, Hall explains that Danish, Swedish, Norwegian, Icelandic, and Finnish don’t have one word that works exactly like the English “please” in every situation. That doesn’t mean politeness is missing. It just lives somewhere else: in how a request is phrased, in tone of voice, in context, in a warm “thank you.”

And this is the part I find fascinating: what we observe is not the same as what it means. When we expect politeness to look a certain way, the absence of that signal can feel like disrespect. Maybe the person wasn’t rude at all. Maybe we were measuring them with our own ruler.

I’ve been on the other side of this myself. A few months after moving from Brazil to England, I met a Russian woman in a park. She was friendly and warm, so I greeted her the way I always had: with a kiss on the cheek. She stepped back and said, “Don’t touch me. I don’t like when people touch me.” At that moment, I took it as rude. Today I see it differently. In Brazil, physical closeness is a natural way of showing warmth, even with people we’ve just met. In Russia, as I’ve come to understand it, that kind of closeness is often kept for those you already know well, and warmth tends to come after trust, not before. She wasn’t rejecting me. We were simply following different scripts. (Or she may just be someone who doesn’t like being touched, which is another reminder that not everything is cultural.)

What do we expect from communication?

We all carry quiet expectations about how people should greet, ask, thank, disagree, and show care. Some come from the culture we grew up in, but just as many come from family, personality, work, relationships, and the moment itself.

That’s why not every misunderstanding is cultural, and not every difference in behaviour can be explained by someone’s nationality. What matters is not turning our first interpretation into a final conclusion.

How can we approach these moments differently?

Next time someone communicates in a way you didn’t expect, you might try a small pause. A few questions can help:

• What did I actually observe?

• What am I interpreting?

• Which of my expectations might be shaping that interpretation?

• Are there other possible explanations?

This doesn’t mean ignoring real disrespect. It means not assuming it just because someone didn’t follow the script we know.

Adapting doesn’t mean giving up our own values. It means learning to read other ways of communicating, and choosing how we respond.

Perhaps the question isn’t only, “Why didn’t this person say please?” Perhaps it’s also, “Why did I expect them to?”

Understanding others often begins with looking at our own interpretations.

Understand the other without losing yourself.

Source and further reading
Laura Hall, “Why is there no word for please in the Nordic languages?” BBC Travel.
Read the original article on BBC Travel

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Karem Roman

Intercultural Communication Consultant

Based in France Working Worldwide